By: Logan Cohen, Professional Therapist & Online Life Coach
It might not surprise you, but lack of satisfaction in sex life is one of the most common complaints AND worries in long-term relationships. Whether individuals feel that their sexual needs are not being met, or whether they WORRY that this will be a REAL PROBLEM in their THEIR relationship, yet are afraid to ask, are very common these days - and for good reason.
When People feel like "that spark is lost", they often make the mistake of assuming that the solutions are PHYSICAL.
As a Relationship Therapist, our Founder commonly gets referrals for couples who are sent by the male partner's Urologist when he goes to their clinic and requests "erection pills" like Viagra or Cialis. The first question their Doctor asks is, "what does your partner think?," And if the answer is, "my Partner doesn't know I'm here," then the couple is first sent to see our Founder for couples therapy.
In terms of the levels of excitement in a romantic relationship going down over time, this is only NORMAL and in many ways, to be EXPECTED.
The initial phases of a romantic relationship are INTENSE (called the "honeymoon phase") because when Lovers are with each other, our Brain releases a powerful chemical called "Dopamine". Dopamine makes our Body "feel good" and is the most active chemical involved in addiction to cocaine & methamphetamine.
Over the first seven years of partnership, the levels of Dopamine released in the Brain DECREASES BY 10% EACH YEAR. This means that the level of MIND-NUMBING EXCITEMENT we experience by spending time with our sexual partner will DECREASE BY MORE THAN HALF within the first 7 years of partnership! Have you heard of that old saying about "the 7 year itch", or the tendency for couples to break up after 7 years of a committed relationship? This is often WHY!
Unless each Partner in a relationship learns to access a FULL & BALANCED Emotional Intelligence, it is impossible to keep "the spark" alive, along with a great sex life. Would you like to know how to have a great sex life, improve the trust & intimacy in your romantic relationship, as well as improve the health & life satisfaction of BOTH Partners? If so, you are reading the right article.
5 Secrets to a Great Sex Life with Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence makes for a great sex life because it requires vulnerability, which is courageous. And courage - is SEXY.
You know when there is an attractive Person that is not comfortable in their own skin?
Even when the Person is otherwise physically attractive, an obvious level of insecurity sends the message that “something is WRONG with me - even if you can’t see it.”
This might be expressed with lack of eye contact, or being reluctant to share honest thoughts and feelings, but Human Beings are pretty good at “sensing” when something does not add up here...
By increasing our Emotional Intelligence, we are able to express our thoughts and feelings together clearly in a way that shares personal meaning.
When we learn how to access a full range of Emotional Intelligence, we look like a complete Human Being to potential mates who are actually looking for a REAL connection, not some Person putting on a show for an audience.
People who are looking for an audience will be drawn to “Performers” who are NOT operating from an authentic position of Personal Integrity, and instead, are looking for some “type” that will temporarily resolve pain from an old wound.
If you are looking for REAL connection that will set off a GREAT sex life where each Partner is free to explore their True Selves, a full range of Emotional Intelligence will be important.
5 Secrets to a Great Sex Life with Emotional Intelligence
Increases ability to ask for sexual needs to be met.
Unless we have access to our Emotional Intelligence, we cannot have access to our true wants, needs, and desires. People have a HUGE range of sexual desires - from sexual acts, to sexual orientation, to fetishes - and unless we know what makes US “tick”, then it is almost impossible to meet our authentic needs.
By learning more about how WE experience certain emotions and how to use these feelings to guide our decision making about our desires, we can have the opportunity to make those requests and help our sexual partner meet our needs WITH us.
Yes, these skills are important to learn if you want to have a great sex life, but they ALSO will help you speak up for needs to be met in other areas of Life as well. By staying attuned to our Emotional Intelligence, we can use these emotional experiences as a moment-to-moment guide for our Life’s Purpose.
And when we surround Self with Loved Ones who are doing the SAME, we can ALL be a force to be reckoned with TOGETHER - as Human Beings are designed.
5 Secrets to a Great Sex Life with Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence creates intimacy, which has all the makings for a great sex life
When we are able to access our Emotional Intelligence, this helps us remain more aware of the needs of other People around us - including Loved Ones, Friends, and even business associates. When we have this information, we can choose to act on it in a way that can make for a great sex life with our Lover.
The more we know what our Lover wants, the more we can make sure we meet their needs in the bedroom. The more our Lovers’ sexual needs are met, the more they are going to want to help OUR needs be met too - ALL of the makings for a great sex life!
This makes it more likely that our Partner will agree to consider sexual requests that are outside of the usual routine, whether this is a new sex position, role play, or even bringing in an outside Partner.
If you want to unlock a great sex life with your Partner, it’s time to seek beyond the physical and put the work into developing a full range of Emotional Intelligence.
5 Secrets to a Great Sex Life with Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence makes for a great sex life because there is less fighting, which means less resentment.
I mean, are you more likely to have a great sex life with someone who you feel is doing you WRONG? Of COURSE not!
The more we help our Partner experience us as safe and reliable, the easier it is for them to speak up for their own needs. And the more we can meet the needs of our Partner on an ongoing basis, the less likely they are to build up resentment towards us.
We are NOT saying that a romantic relationship should never include conflict! Conflict is important every now and again, to clarify needs, boundaries, and expectations, while FIGHTING is when either one or both Partners is actively trying to hurt their Partner. While we need conflict to clarify things every now and again, fighting is generally unproductive and harmful to the relationship over time.
By accessing a full range of Emotional Intelligence, it is easier & more productive to navigate conflict with other People in a way that decreases the desire to fight, clarify wants and needs, and in the end helps the Personal Integrity of all involved to be met.
Once our sexual partner knows we are looking out for their Personal Integrity in order to SHARE a sense of Life’s Purpose WITH them, we can expect a GREAT sex life to take off from there.
5 Secrets to a Great Sex Life with Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence makes for a great sex life because there is excitement from the risk involved in freedom of self expression.
This one catches a lot of People off guard at first...
We are taught to expect that excitement is something that leaves a relationship over time and that there is not much we can do about it. This is certainly a possibility, but it does NOT have to be that way!
Our Founder is a licensed therapist and relationship expert who often finds it helps to explain this initially by using an example of couples who have open relationships.
Believe it or not, a research study completed by the Journal of Human Sexuality shows that couples who are “swingers” actually have the highest levels of relationship satisfaction when compared to any other couples.
This is often a surprise to People in because we are taught to believe that the secrets to a great sex life MUST involve only romantic practices endorsed by romance “specialists” like Disney stories...WRONG!
So, would you like to know why swingers not only have a great sex life, but also consistently report higher relationship satisfaction OVERALL? It ALL comes down to getting through high risk and high excitement experiences while maintaining open communication about our wants, needs, and expectations. Let us explain…
The same rules described for the first items of using Emotional Intelligence as a guide towards a great sex life STILL hold true for swingers. If anything, they take it to the NEXT LEVEL!
It takes a LOT of courage, communication skills, and inherent RISK to get through those types of sexual encounters. In fact, while many individuals and couples fantasize about open relationships, most don’t attempt it because they KNOW they could not quite pull it off.
We are not holding a position here that open relationships are necessarily a “good thing” OR a “bad thing”, but instead using the research gathered by couples who practice swinging to make a point.
Once we learn to tune into our own FULL range of Emotional Intelligence - complete with our deepest fears & insecurities, we can learn to express them in a productive way that makes for a GREAT sex life because each sexual partner is allowed to maintain their True Self while being unconditionally loved and free from judgement.
The skills above SOUND great and all, and who is NOT interested in having a great sex life? Sex is FUN, good for our health (when we have safe practices), and is part of what takes our Romantic Relationships to the “next level”.
While few Men would disagree with any of this, the parts about Emotional Intelligence are usually more foreign for Men. We are trained as Boys to believe that a “real man” has NO FEAR in order to prove their COURAGE, while at the same time avoiding vulnerability at risk of looking “weak”.
If you are ready to break through the barriers of traditional manhood, or know a Man who might be, it might be time to consider our online life coaching for Men delivered in our Self-Guided Coaching Plans. The barriers to having a great sex life can be small, but they can REALLY add up over time to create BIG problems for couples.
And in the end, we MUST be able to feel most comfortable with our “primary person” if we will be able to sustain the strong headwaters on our Journey ahead.
My name is Logan Cohen and I am a Professional Therapist & Life Coach with over 10 years in the field of Counseling Psychology. I am a Clinical Supervisor for the American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy, as well as the founder of New Leaf Counseling Group, LLC in Charlotte, NC. After spending tens of thousands of clinical hours with my own clients, starting a successful group practice, as well as a beautiful Family, I “picked my head up from the grindstone” to check in on childhood Friends & Loved Ones.
I painfully discovered that more than a few of my childhood Friends passed away at a young age from preventable health conditions and decided that as a Man, Husband, Father, and Friend, I could no longer stand by as People suffered in silence and self-destructed rather than ask for help. It doesn’t have to be like that and the holistic healing methods offered by the Balanced Man Plan is designed to help People “get unstuck” and break free from old patterns that are the barriers between Self & quality of Life.
The Balanced Man Plan is a therapeutic digital experience delivered through Self-Guided Coaching Plans created by a Male Therapist with the common barriers & strengths of Men in mind. The Balanced Man Plan has the goal of introducing a natural Balance back to Life so it is sustainable for the optimal Health & Well-Being of Self and Loved Ones - and ALL from the privacy and comfort of Home. If you have enjoyed what you see so far, check out our Self Guided Coaching Plans!