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Trauma Bond or Soul Mate? Intimate Relationships

Updated: Aug 11, 2020

By: Logan Cohen, Professional Therapist & Online Life Coach - Balanced Man Plan Online Life Coaching for Men

Social relationships are one of the most important parts of Life for Human Beings. We are set apart from other animals in a few obvious ways, but perhaps the most important to the development of our species has been the ability of Humans to function together as a group. Individually, we are weak creatures relative to most other animals of a comparable size.

One of our most recent evolutionary relatives - the chimpanzee - would DOMINATE a Man of similar weight in a one-on-one match of strength.

However if you combine Humans into a group and provide a common goal - for instance hunting - the story ends differently. Studies of fossil evidence repeatedly shows that the larger brain size characteristic of Human Beings happened at the same time our evolutionary ancestors began hunting animals as a group across the grasslands, which resulted in regular access to meat - a nutrient source with MUCH higher density.

As our ancestors continued to evolve and discovered fire, there was AGAIN a jump in brain size due to the nutrients made available by cooking the meat over a fire. This was no simple task because it required even more cooperation between at least two groups with a collective goal - the hunters and the gatherers/cooks - to generate enough meat from hunting/cooking to feed a more stable community.

Human beings have always had greater influence in numbers. The more stable those ranks in a community are, the more that community can leverage resources as a cohesive unit towards achieving group goals.

When we consider the building blocks of communities, of course we see individual Human Beings, but each of those Adults seeks out a primary sexual partner to add even further stability to their own Life. If this experiment of relationship stability proves to be a successful and satisfying one, this is when People choose to have Children, which further adds to the numbers of People available for the community to sustain its cooperative group function.

As you can see, romantic relationships are incredibly important to Human beings not only for keeping our species going with procreation, but also by increasing productivity by sharing Group Purpose towards common goals. Now, we will discuss the 3rd reason that Sex & Intimacy is so important - the development and growth of our Self-Identify.

No, I’m not saying an intimate relationship is there to “make you happy”, or "define who you are" - in fat quite the opposite...Sex does feel great (that's OK - it’s supposed to), however as a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Approved Clinical Supervisor with the American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy, I know all too well that Intimate Relationships bring out our unresolved wounds and give us a chance to see Self more clearly. From there, it is up to us whether we stay stuck at our current level of functioning, or continue to grow and evolve. This is made possible in large part by the level of Balance in our Intimate Relationships.

The more Balanced an Intimate Relationship is, the more it can sustain the natural ebbs and flows of Life - the good, the bad, and the UGLY.

When Loved Ones can more honestly share their own thoughts, feelings, and desires, the more each party can mutually look out for their Own & the Others' “Personal Integrity” as a function of shared Life’s Purpose. Remember that while Sex feels great and results in procreation of our species, it cannot sustain health & happiness through Balance on it’s own - a reason why Sex is not a Core Area of Balance, but a Support Area in the Balanced Man Plan.

When Lovers have a relationship based on physical sex, they are not required to engage past their old comfort zone. The level of risk is very low because even through there is enough intimacy to satisfy the Body’s desire for the physical act of Sex, the more dynamic needs of the Mind are not authentically stimulated enough to be sustained because there is no sharing of Life’s Purpose or true Self-Identity. Unless the couple having sex is intending to only “get off” with the physical act of sex, then they are fooling themselves.

An Intimate Relationship that can only share Sex (as opposed to Friendship, Purpose, Identity, Finances, Faith, Family, etc.) will only lead the individuals on a wild (and maybe fun) goose-chase of physical pleasure, since they are both in a sexual relationship that is designed to protect the emotional comfort zones of Self & Loved One.

The more we learn to integrate other Areas of Balance into our Intimate Relationship, the more we can utilize the power of Human connection to achieve Balance, Health, and Happiness past our current limits - all made possible in the name of Love.

I might be a little biased as a Marriage & Family Therapist, but could there be a better reason? I do not think there is an in fact, this is what I believe the "Old Timers" mean when they say, "You grow up and find someone as an Adult who makes you better!"

The more we bring in other Areas of Balance into our Intimate Relationship, the less we are able to hide in those old familiar comfort zones that have been created by our defense mechanisms - designed to keep us safe from fears & insecurities.

This collection of defense mechanisms that protects us with a comfort zone is referred to as “Ego” in Psychology. The Ego is not our “real Self”, but more of a “mask” that allows us to feel more comfortable and familiar through times of stress, but also puts a limit on how much we are able to grow personally. While we feel safer in our comfort zone, we are also more prone to getting stuck as demands of Life continue to change and grow around us. After all, if we are allowed to stay in our comfort zone, then WHY would we leave the comfort zone? It's comfortable!

That is the trade-off. Comfort means we can tell Self "everything is OK", so then we are not faced with the reality that we are STUCK!

Are you ready to learn about how we “get unstuck” and create BALANCE in our Intimate Relationship? It all starts with learning how to communicate with our Loved Ones in a way that builds connection, even when Loved Ones do not agree with Us - or Us with Them. We will have disagreements in our Intimate Relationships ALL - THE - TIME, but they should not end with People having their feelings hurt, being more anxious, or expecting the same fight to happen later because there was never a resolution.

Would you like to watch a quick video to see an explanation of our Founder Logan Cohen describing how Loved Ones use the power of their connection to heal unresolved wounds of Self & Loved One. Watch Below!

Our Balanced Man Plan will teach you the communication skills necessary to share your own honest thoughts and feelings with your Loved One in a way that creates dialogue, cohesion, and the trust required for each Loved One to look out for the Other in a way that really says, “No matter what you are going through, I want to be on your Team.”

When we are able to navigate conflict & tension with this type of unconditional love for Self & Other, it can be said that the relationship has become “Romance” - an integration of true Self-Identity into the Intimate Relationship.

From here, the Romantic Relationship can serve to heal old wounds resulting from past trauma, as well as support the Other in meeting their demands of daily Life and GROWING at the same time.

My name is Logan Cohen and I am a Professional Therapist & Life Coach with over 10 years in the field of Counseling Psychology. I am a Clinical Supervisor for the American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy, as well as the founder of New Leaf Counseling Group, LLC in Charlotte, NC. After spending tens of thousands of clinical hours with my own clients, starting a successful group practice, as well as a beautiful Family, I “picked my head up from the grindstone” to check in on childhood Friends & Loved Ones.

I painfully discovered that more than a few of my childhood Friends passed away at a young age from preventable health conditions and decided that as a Man, Husband, Father, and Friend, I could no longer stand by as People suffered in silence and self-destructed rather than ask for help. It doesn’t have to be like that and the holistic healing methods offered by the Balanced Man Plan is designed to help People “get unstuck” and break free from old patterns that are the barriers between Self & quality of Life.

The Balanced Man Plan is a therapeutic digital experience delivered through Self-Guided Coaching Plans created by a Male Therapist with the common barriers & strengths of Men in mind. The Balanced Man Plan has the goal of introducing a natural Balance back to Life so it is sustainable for the optimal Health & Well-Being of Self and Loved Ones - and ALL from the privacy and comfort of Home. If you have enjoyed what you see so far, check out our Self Guided Coaching Plans!

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